At a loss...

My father died. A sentence that is just weird to write. Up until last Monday, we hadn't spoken in more than 12 years. I thought it odd that he wanted to talk after all that time...and even odder that he didn't really have much to say.

I don't know how to feel. It's unnerving when someone that's supposed to be close but isn't, dies. At one level you know you should be sad. And you feel guilty because you don't and kind of angry about both of those...I certainly can't say that I really miss him per se because he wasn't really around. I'd like to say I miss the times when he was...but I honestly don't remember them because I know they weren't all that good. But yet somehow I feel a profound sense of being lost...

I feel suddenly more adult than ever before and yet very small and young all at the same time. The generation above me has officially started to disappear. It's kinda scary.

Shaken. Unnverved. Lost.